Sunday, August 06, 2006


For me, it is the feeling for anything that I do not like. Put simply, it can have something to do with relationships, a friend did not invite me for a party, or a colleague said something unpleasant at workplace. It can be physical, maybe a plain old headache that comes back on a busy day. It can be a state of mind; boredom or feverishness. Can be yearnings, regrets or worries. Looking closely I may find that even something that I like, is usually mixed with a pinch of this. Maybe one great achievement has a drop of the fear of sustainability mixed with it. Whatever, we all know about this; the lack of perfection in life. An unpleasant feeling, some little feeling of unrest that mars even the greatest of experiences. For want of a better word, let me call it pain or discomfort.

Simple and everyday as it is, it can be completely overpowering at times.

Any pain has a purpose. In most cases that I have seen in my life, this purpose is a slight awareness about something that I am not taking full responsibility of. Maybe a pointer to an age old pattern in me that is not doing me any good.

The purpose of the discomfort is to identify the purpose. Once that is done, the whole thing disintegrates and disappears.

In spite of being aware of this, I waste so much time groping around and not facing the truth. I use all gymnastics that my mind is capable of, defense mechanisms to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, not me but something else is responsible. There are situations where, when we look at the “perceived issue”, it is very easy to believe that really, I am not responsible for the pain I am going through. Once I am able to see the “real issue”, I can identify the cause of the drama. It becomes clear that there is no truth in the statement that I am going through something unpleasant and yet I am not responsible for it. It is incredible how I can fool myself in spite of knowing that that is what I am doing.

It is only after some hours or sometimes even days of wasted tears and energy that by sheer grace, something happens to me. I look at the truth, face to face. And I tell myself, “Okay, (the powers that be) I have understood. I take responsibility of this right now. Now, please help me in the present situation. It is causing me a lot of pain.”

Just this, a teeny weenie shift, a drop of courage – that is all that it takes and so lovingly, so gently the problem is resolved in my life. The compassion, the care that I feel at that moment is overwhelming. I know no other route to this exquisite feeling, except the one that starts with a feeling of pain.


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